Shellshock and Horror / The fracturing of a Hero

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

[After the events at the DC base have unfolded Mad just rushed to her room as quickly as possible. She was clutching herself tightly, she was curled up into a ball. But she was doing her best not to cry. She was failing badly of course. The tears were still there and she was choking back sobs.. but whenever she did noticed she would just rub her eyes and shut them tightly and try to force herself to stop.]

Fuck...fuck... those...what the fuck were those... goddamn...

[She's struggling to get her emotions into check, but it was near impossible with how hysterical a state she's worked herself into.]

Comments

[muginami_desu]

[Little does Mad know that the only Vox pilot he hasn't met thus far has been following hi- no, her.

Muginami couldn't help but notice how Mad was reacting out there, so she's now outside Mad's room, activating one of those fancy intercoms by the door in hopes of checking in on her.]

Ah...excuse me...

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

...Whadd'you want....

[Mad just ground the words out. Her voice was hoarse and she generally felt like she was put through hell.]

[muginami_desu]

I...

[Hearing Mad sounding like that definitely wasn't pleasant...but...]

I saw what happened out there, and I'd just like to talk...

Do you mind if I come in?

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

Whatever... I'm not fucking stopping you.

[She turns her back to the door so Muginami doesn't see her face.]

[gamenojikan.livejournal.com]

[It's Yui! She stands in the doorway to Mad's room for a while, watching silently.

Then, she comes and sits down next to Mad, putting a hand on the other girl's shoulder.]

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

[Yui, within moments of contact Mad is now clinging to you for dear life. You know how you pulled that on Mad the first time? Your turn to be on the receiving end. She didn't say a word - she just didn't want to do something that would have her break into a fit of tears.]

[gamenojikan.livejournal.com]

[Yui will let Mad speak first. For now, she just hugs the older girl back and waits.]

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

Goddamn...fuck.. I'm pathetic... Couldn't save a single one of those people AND I got my ass kicked...

[She shivers as bitterness all but flooded her voice, combined with her failure at the most simplest of things earlier on - she's just feeling the massive burn.]

..Yui.. tell me I'm not crying please... its the last fucking thing I need.

[sunshine_maiden]

[Sora's darting through the ship; she knew Mad wasn't doing well, and so she put priority on trying to find the girl. But... where is she?

Finally, she hears sobbing in a familiar voice, and homes in on it, trying to make her way inside quietly but being noticeable.]

Mad? Are you hurt?

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

I'm fine!

[She didn't sound like it. Mad sounded like she was gargling gravel and tried to talk.]

[sunshine_maiden]

[The girl smiles faintly.] Physically, maybe. But you're as depressed about all this as the rest of us, right? Or as I am, at least?

[Sora lets out a sigh, her smile dropping to a worried expression.] I just... this is the second time. So many people, and I was standing right there... At least it wasn't a nuke this time.

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

They all still died... goddamn... wh..what the fuck happened back there... those things just ripped through us like fucking nothing...

[That powerlessness was not helping Mad's situation at all. She knew she was BAD before, but this just hammered in how useless she really was in the long run.]

[aceshighsniper.livejournal.com]

[Lynette Bishop stands with her rifle rested over the floor, simply staring at Mad Caine. She remembers having suffered through the same the first time she had gone into these missions.

If Mad looks at her, she will notice Lynne's expression has turned solid; different from the clueless girl of days ago back at the mess hall. Emotional exhaustion of many months at war having hardened her, but almost sad in the way she still looks at her.

Her eyes are glassy. A thousand-yard stare. That sight had remained in her for too many months to be Combat Stress Reaction.]

You survived. I'm happy you are well in spite of everything.

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

... [She curls up tighter.]

Those things...why the hell did they do that... most of the people in there couldn't do a thing to hurt them...

[She shudders violently.]

Maybe you're happy... but... I just wish I could've saved at least one person from those ...

[She's feeling a horrific lurching sensation. Her eyes are stinging. NO! FUCK! NO CRYING DAMMIT! She's rubbing at her eyes harshly.]

[aceshighsniper.livejournal.com]

We did all we could. If we had stayed, the rest of us could have died.

[Her back slowly slides down to sit. She nests her rifle over her lap.]

I think you must be able to save everyone. But... But sometimes it's not as easy.

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

I don't care if its easy or not...

I'll just do everything it takes... fuck! I'll give it all I've got and more if I have to!

[She shuts her eyes tight...]

I just don't want to fail anyone like that again... I just don't...

[reach-for-self.livejournal.com]

I...

[Have your mentor, Mad! Though he's not looking as cheery as that comment might imply. Rather he's looking pretty shaken up about things. Too many bad memories of botched operations and families slaughtered by Percolatii.]

... I honestly wish I could say it gets easier. Times like these certainly are still a rarity, but when they happen...

[He closes his eyes and leans back, tears beginning to well up. Lot of bad memories there...]

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

... It shouldn't get easier....

[An odd thing to say given the situation...]

Stuff like this shouldn't happen at all... but...

[She sniffs hard and tries to get it back together.]

If we keep telling ourselves it gets easier we might let it happen more...

[She shook violently at the thought.]

[can_not_fly]

[And have Pit at the door. He looks... significantly more subdued than usual. It's clear Mad's not the only one severely affected here. But he's still trying very hard to put a brave face for his friend.

Pit is far too honest to act worth a damn, though]

Hey there Mad. [No exclamation points today. Instead he just plops and sits near her]

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

H..hey ...

[A slight hiccup and she rubs at her eyes, giving the angel a smile so weak you could barely even tell its there. Her eyes were red from all the crying and rubbing at them she did.]

...I... didn't make 'nother mess did I?

[can_not_fly]

[Cue Pit looking at you somewhat aghast at that, before grabbing you in a sudden hug]

No! No you didn't! This whole mess wasn't your fault! Don't even think like that!

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

[Mad trembled... and promptly lost her struggle not to cry. Pit. You find her clinging to you for dear life as she sobs.]

Then why wasn't I fast enough? Or strong enough? Or good enough?!... I... I couldn't care less if they didn't know I saved them or not. Why couldn't I get any of those people out of there alive?!

[an-alpha-wolf.livejournal.com]

[Resnick stalks towards her room, unhappy at having to play messenger but knowing it necessary. He was the one who'd recommended Mad to train with them after all, so her actions reflected on him in the calculus of the pack. He had lent her his copy of the Remembrance, by the founders' bloodnames!]

CQC practice started fifteen mi...

[He stops. Is she asleep? But her shoulders seem to be moving at least. Curious, he takes another step in.]

[aesopunbroken.livejournal.com]

[And promptly finds out she's in absolutely no state to even go to anything right now. While she appears fine physically... the air of misery was hanging over her like a foul cloud. She wasn't prepared for the utter slaughter that was levied on the non-coms.]

...H..h..

[Mad struggled to take in some air... she got up weakly to face Resnick, weakly wiping at her face. Goddamn what a mess.]

Sorry... I.. I just... I forgot...

[She looked like a light breeze could smash her down like an Elemental rushing at a full tilt running tackle.]

[an-alpha-wolf.livejournal.com]

[He reflexively coughed as he entered, in fact. It was like being aroud heavy ICE fumes.]

Great Father's Ghost, what happened to you?!

[Great job. Real sensitive.]